The Unforgivable

The unforgivable is forgivable when we realize we can become whole again because of the forgiveness.

I would love to tell you that I didn’t waste time on regret, resentment and blame. That I had found out early on in my recovery a magic method to live in the present and not seethe shame over the past. But alas, it takes time and effort. As do most things worthy of our attention.

And then there was that moment of magic. It was revealed and I was blown open by it’s power to create freedom. It was forgiveness. It was the power to forgive those who trespassed against me.
And see that without that specific person, or that experience, I would not be who I am walking this earth today. As I realized this unforgivable act was actually forgivable, I felt my own ability to forgive ME. I could let me forgive ME. Wow. What a concept.

There was so much I clung to for an excuse, so many mole hills I made in to mountains but also some really big giants that I had made into mice… all for the sake of survival. Survival turned into denial, and then in to delusion. Where was the truth? Somewhere in the middle, to the right a bit. But I had wrapped my story so tightly around me that I didn’t know who I was with out it. The lies, half truths and loads of blame. And it would all come rushing out with one glass too many… maybe one bottle too many, if I’m being honest. And then I would have to cover my tracks. And go groveling for forgiveness. All the while holding blame by the throat for one more drink.
The days of opening the arsenal of excuses to drink are long gone, but the desire to blame and find something to grow restless over still can conjure the thoughts of being unforgivable. Yet every time I try to revisit that old story the less it feels like mine and the more I am given freedom to know I’ve moved on.