Never Enough

I have to start treating this blog like a journal entry. I hate it when I find someone I like online and go to their blog and there isn’t a current entry. So here’s the current.

Time flies when you’re getting shit done. And life is definitely in session. People places and things are what I’m powerless over these days and my insides got a little unmanageable.

When life happens most people move through it with seemingly graceful aptitude and I always feel like I reach a maximum before most. And I’ve come to know that it is a part of my make up, I am a “sensitive”…Empathic and learning how to embrace and cultivate it every opportunity I can.

I recently had an experience that shook me to my core. As my dear friend put it “my world was upside down” and that’s what losing a young friend at the prime of her beautiful life will do to a human. But the parts of the process that were turning my internal world on its axis, was the deepest gratitude I’ve felt since gaining sobriety. I thought getting married and having a baby late in life gave me gratitude I had not felt before. And when life gives me a call to look even deeper into gratitude I’m going in. Gratitude for me is present day in the moment God. And what was a bit unnerving about that feeling this time was it was accompanied by guilt. I guess it could be called survivors guit. And what was it about those moments that I had experienced that may have been so similar to my friends that didn’t end up with me being dead. Why do I get to be here…? And so I got up close in the mirror and I looked at this f’ing amazingly powerful human form that I’m constantly picking on, and I hugged it. And I looked into my own eyes and said “thank you so much.” And I cried…a lot.

And then I go out into the world and I forget that moment and I have road rage all over someone. And then I say I’m sorry, please forgive. I’m so so sorry. To me. Again. And again. Be gentle India. You’re grieving.

But if it wasn’t about losing my friend, it was about not being a good enough mom. Or being a lousy daughter. Or a not so great friend, who completely f’ing forgot the baby shower. Never enough. And then I get back to the truth. You’re always enough. You’re exactly where you need to be. You’re enough. But..You are enough.

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