Happy Birthday to Me

Over the years, especially the last ten, I have had the ability to be more aware of the feelings around birthdays. Not always knowing exactly what I am feeling… but eventually becoming aware that I may be revisiting the past or grieving the loss of time.  Or anxiously awaiting some perceived change that a birthday might bring. There have been years when the time passed has brought so much frustration and even depression that I didn’t even want to hear someone say happy birthday. The expectations built around what I wanted to happen, and then the emotional hangover of having not gotten a desired effect was crushing (think full blown, adult sized temper tantrum).

Now I can finally say that what ever it was that I was seeking and the feelings that I thought were pushing in on me from the outside was my own lack of creative expression. The feelings were anger and resentment focused out when I needed to focus in and take responsibility for my lack of expression of self. I have come to understand that that creative energy was stifled by fear, squelched by ideas of what was and wasn’t creative and what was viable or important. This unexpressed part of self (writing, drawing, building, connecting, speaking) was part of my purpose on this planet this lifetime. I realized that I had expected others or stuff to make up for my dissatisfaction, over and over again being disappointed when they/it didn’t change my reality.

Recently I have had the opportunity to have my consciousness expand within other people’s ability to speak this truth in their own words. To feel through the expectations and again realize it is my responsibility to express myself in all the amazing ways humans can. All the ways that are me, here, now.

How liberating! The opening of possibilities, ability to dream more and endeavor with hope have been like a tidal wave of grace and deep gratitude. I feel the cocreative cooperation and it’s life’s blood, life living fully expressed. And I am grateful.